Jokers
Wild Comedy Corner IQ
TEST FOR PROFESSIONALS Overloaded My
wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger
overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the
plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized
luggage.
"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have
this problem."
My wife smiled, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem
either." For The Kids Pupil:
I don't think I deserved zero on this test!
Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!
What did Noah do for a job?
He was an ark-itecht!
What's that fly doing in my gravy?
Looks like the breast stroke!
Teacher: When do astronauts eat?
Pupil: At launch time!
For The Kids
Why did the pioneers cross the country in covered wagons?
Because they didn't want to wait 40 years for a train!
Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?
Because his class was so bright!
1st Roman Soldier: What is the time?
2nd Roman Soldier: XX past VII!
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
He couldn't control his pupils!
Teacher: What family does the octopus belong to?
Pupil: Nobody I know!  HOME
New
Principal As a new school principal, Mr.
Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day.
Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers
bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the
arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a Principal the
previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that
at Fort Knox.
Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's
wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without
requisitions?"
The Custodian looked at him gravely... "We trust them with the children,
don't we?" HOME Loan
Arithmetic Little Johnny was being
questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson. 'If you had ten dollars,'
said the teacher, 'and I asked you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would
you have left?'
'Ten,' said Little Johnny firmly.
'Ten?' the teacher said 'How do you make it ten?'
'Well,' replied Little Johnny 'You may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that
doesn't mean you'll get it!' HOME New
Year's Dinner As in many homes on New
Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important
- the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate
dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant
after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the
game.
Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold
drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I
told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still
nothing to nothing.
"See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a
thing." HOME Little
Johnny's Numbers The teacher asked little
Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "My dad taught me."
"Good! Can you tell me what comes after three."
"Four," answers little Johnny.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your father did a good job. What
comes after ten?"
"A jack," says little Johnny.
HOME
A Preacher Buys a Parrot A
preacher is buying a parrot.
"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.
"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.
"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he
recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd
Psalm."
"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull
both strings?"
"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot. HOME
Two Hydrogen Atoms
Two hydrogen atoms bumped into each other
recently.
One said: "Why do you look so sad?"
The other responded: "I lost an electron."
Concerned, One asked "Are you sure?"
The other replied "I'm positive." HOME
Yesterday for IT People
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
HOME
Clarification
of Hiring Lingo
Competitive Salary - We remain competitive by
paying less than our competitors.
Join Our Fast-Paced Company - We have no time to train you.
Casual Work Atmosphere - We don't pay you enough to expect that you will dress
up.
Must Be Deadline Oriented - You will be six months behind schedule on your first
day.
Some Overtime Required - Some time each night and some time each weekend.
Duties Will Vary - Anyone in the office can boss you around.
Must Have An Eye For Detail - We have no quality control.
Career-Minded - Female applicants must be childless (and stay that way).
Apply In Person - If you're fat, old, or ugly, you will be told the position has
been filled.
No Phone Calls Please - We already have someone for the job, our call for
resumes is just a legal formality.
Seeking Candidates With A Wide Variety of Experience - You will need it to
replace three people who have just left.
Problem Solving Skills A Must - You are walking into a company in perpetual
chaos.
Requires Team Leadership Skills - You will have the responsibilities of a
manager; without the pay or respect.
Good Communication Skills - Management communicates; you listen, figure out what
they want, and do it.
HOME
A
Dog's Telegram
 On
a slow day with few customers, a clerk at a telegram office looks down from her
counter and sees a dog waiting in line.
"Oh, aren't you cute?" she says. "What would you like me to put
on your telegram?"
"Bow wow wow, Bow wow wow," the dog replies.
The clerk says in a cutesy voice, "But you can add another 'Bow wow wow'
for the same price."
The dog responds, "Now wouldn't that sound a little silly?"
HOME
Motorist
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed
trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later
received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of
payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later,
he received a letter from the police that contained another picture of
handcuffs.
HOME
Get Better Soon
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in
nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his
portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at
patients' bedsides. When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get
better."
One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."
HOME
For The Kids
Who went into a witch's den and came out alive?
The witch!
What is a witches favourite magazine?
The witch report!
What did the young witch say to her mother?
Can I have the keys to the broom tonight!
What's the best advice you can give to a witch on a broomstick?
Don't fly off the handle!
Who turns the lights off at halloween?
The light's witch!
Whats the difference between a broomstick and a pumpkin?
Ever tried broomstick pie?
What do you call a wizard from outer space?
A flying sorcerer!
HOME
Back to school
Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York
harbour?
Pupil: Because it can't sit down!
What was Camelot?
A place where people parked their camels!
Who gave the Liberty Bell to Philadelphia?
Must have been a duck family
A duck family?
Didn't you say there was a quack in it!
An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best teacher in the
school
Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4?
Pupil: That's not fair! You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!
HOME
Joining The Army
As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the
youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's office.
There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older
brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation.
"Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really do
that, did you?"
"You would never get through basic training," scoffed another.
The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him.
When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your
own bed every morning?"
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